Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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