I've blown a few things in my day
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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