I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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