my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
