He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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