Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
