90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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