grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I think a kid would responsible me up
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
