Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize