Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
