made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
