i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
