Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
