Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
