Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Someone came in the potted fern
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
