A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
accomplished twins. life is a go
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize