She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We are all done wearing pants today
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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