bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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