I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
