finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
be right there i have to get my cape
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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