i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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