how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
