You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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