I wish I only lived at night.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
