So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
