I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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