Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
