I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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