At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
