Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
