You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
