Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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