Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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