Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
