I want to make a zoo with you.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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