My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
