something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
