i would punch a child for taco bell
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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