The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
