JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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