Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
