Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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