note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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