If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Randomize
