my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
