That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
ttyl tear gas
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Randomize
