im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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