turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
