you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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