between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
