Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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