Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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