I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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