I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
