Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
