if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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