Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
