i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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