saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
COCAINE IS GR8
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize