I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
