my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
