The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
